Hard Choices
After my divorce I got involved with a man who was very different from anyone I had dated. We found each other online and I was drawn to his sarcasm and offbeat sense of humor. I was going through the divorce process and my relationship with him was not intended to be more than physical from the start. In retrospect, I can see now how going through the traumatic events leading up to my divorce and the messy, drawn out process itself influenced me to enter a relationship that I felt from the start wouldn’t be an everlasting one. I believe that this man was placed in my life for a reason and a season and I tried to extend it into a lifetime. Now as different as we were in so many ways this man really held me down during the ugly parts of my divorce. He listened to all my angry rants each time a new low was reached, he held me while I cried from holding the weight of it all and he gave sound advice for communicating with someone who’s shown you who they are. Although our life experiences were nothing alike and we had some beliefs that didn’t align I really loved how his mind worked and valued his perspective on things. He fit in easily with my family and developed a sweet relationship with my daughter.
My mother always says you always subconsciously seek out qualities the opposite of your ex in your next relationship and that was certainly the case here. Where my ex wore suits to work, liked to pick up tabs, was concerned with designer labels and luxury cars and was generally a more flashy kind of guy, HE was a blue collar worker, mostly wore t-shirts, and drove a car he literally built himself. It had no seat coverings and no ac. I was attracted to the fact that he wasn’t trying to show the world who he was by what he had but I have to admit in the very beginning I was concerned about his finances or lack thereof. A red flag went up when he told me that he was living with roommates in his 40’s.
I was entering my own struggle period as far as money was concerned and I was weary about merging with someone else in the same position but by that time I was falling in love and I began to frame my nagging concerns in a way that supported my feelings. I told myself, look you were married to someone who did well for himself financially and look how that turned out. You were lied to, deceived, cheated on and treated with little regard. What good is money if you’re not being treated well right? There are other ways that this man adds to your life, who cares if you’re already a struggling single mom, we can struggle together! I cringe just typing that sentence, but retrospect right?!
The real issue wasn’t money, it was me trying to convince myself that I could and should learn to make concessions. Because the truth was although he wasn’t making much money it was more about lifestyle. My ex husband did well financially but so did I. I was used to having a decent amount of cash flow of my own and I came to enjoy five star dinners, staying in a certain hotel class when traveling, driving a luxury car and being able to go out to shows and events when I wanted to. Now with a divorce lawyer on retainer and a child in private school and paying half the rent and bills those things weren’t as available to me but I knew that I wanted them to be. I wanted to return to my standard of living and he just wasn't into it. He was happy in his car with no AC, he didn’t mind staying at a Best Western, and traveling wasn’t really a priority. Although I loved him, I began to see that I would likely end up sad and resentful if I convinced myself that I was fine with Best Westerns, no AC and splitting rent & bills down the middle forever.
We had been together for a couple years at this point and I was considering moving to Austin and he was down for it. We would move together. It kept gnawing at me…. The fact of moving to a new city with a small child and a man I felt I couldn’t depend on financially scared me. At this point in the relationship, other issues were popping up as well. We had huge differences of opinion on politics and his beliefs about racism couldn’t be ignored. I got a clear message from spirit. “ You need to make this move alone” So I did. I ended the relationship. He moved out and we continued to see each other though not with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. When it came time for my move to Austin we were in a really good space and we took the road trip together. He drove most of the way with the U-haul behind us, he helped me move into my apartment and we went our separate ways.
I will always be grateful to him for being there for me at one of the lowest points in my life. The years spent in that relationship weren’t unhappy ones but they were marked by an internal battle for me. Here is what I had to contemplate:
Is being treated well enough?
Shouldn’t that be the minimum?
How far down can you bury your need for stability in the name of love?
How much of yourself are you willing to compromise for being in a relationship with another?